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Cajun Math
A Yankee construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Lower Cajun.
I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the Cajun wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine." says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So its dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this guy, so he says, "Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."
The Cajun leans! forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.
So when I start?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my
pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

Y'ALL -- noun. A degree of rotation.
Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation:
Pitch, Roll, and Y'all."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git
back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git
a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to
see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ. HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you
could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie with the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense. VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

WARSH - verb. To clean. SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdow!"
Southern Sayings
Wild as a peach orchard hog.

So buck toothed he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a key hole.

Slick as an eel.

Slicker than a chased greased hog.

Full as a tick.

Fat as a tub o lard.

Ol' boy's tough as whit leather.

He ran like a scalded dog.

Rough as a cob.

Just as happy as if he had good sense.

Cold as a well digger's tail.

So dull he couldn't cut hot butter with a knife.

Crazier than a run over dog.

Tougher than a one eared alley cat.
Faster than greased lightning.

Better than snuff, ain't half as dusty.

She's limber as a dishrag.

Nervous as a long-tailed cat
in a room full o' rocking chairs.

So ugly she'd run a dog off a meat wagon.

Took off like Moody's goose.

As scarce as hen's teeth.

Purty as a speckled pup.

Done gone and got yankee rich.

Sorry as a two dollar watch.

So poor he'd have to borrow moeny to buy water to cry with.

Plumb tuckered out.

Older than the mountains and got twice as much dust.
The battle of Stone Mountain in Georgia

It is little known that Sherman, when arriving at the front to see what
was holding up his march to the sea, found a Confederate on top of Stone Mountain waving signal flags and hurling curses at the enemy
below. He immediately ordered his adjutant to sent his best man up that
mountain to "throw that Reb off of it."

Up went Sgt. McGurk, an 8'-2" Irishman, after "the reb." After a slight
lull in the signaling, a loud "thump" was heard at the base of the
mountain. There laid McGurk, never to move an inch more to the sea.
Sherman then ordered the best 10 men in the regiment to clear that "no
good murdering, signaling and shouting Reb" off of 'his" mountain.

Up went the 10 Yankees, armed with swords, bayonets, revolvers and
rifles. Again the signaling and shouting paused. A few minutes later,
another 10 blue clothed Yankees bounced one by one down the mountain.
Never would they taste the salt of the ocean.

Well Sherman was really steamed! He then sent 150 handpicked soldiers
up the mountain. This time they took an howitzer with them in addition
to every small arm available. The signaling hardly paused before the
figures of 149 troopers were seen to be caroming down from the
mountain. The 150th soldier limped back down the mountain, bloodied,
weak and near to breathing his last. Sherman rushed over to him,
dismounted, and put his ear to the soldier's mouth to catch his words.

The soldiers words were " Go around the mountain, General, it's a trap.
There are two of them up there!"

Score 3 points per correct answer. You're given 1 point to start.
Answers follow below, so don't peek.....

1. How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2. What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
3. Bill Dance is good at what?
4. What university does Bill Dance root for?
5. Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6. After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
7. In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
8. A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
9. What is a chigger?
10. What is scrapple?
11. Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
12. What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13. What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,_______________.
14. What's the common name for a bowfin?
15. If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
16. Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
17. What are grits made out of?
18. Who was nicknamed "The Bear"
19. Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
20. What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
21. Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
22. What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?
23. Where would you find Vidalia County?
24. What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
25. What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
26. How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
27. When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
28. What is a scuppernong?
29. Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
30. Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
31. What color is a John Deere?
32. What do you call the offspring of a mule?
33. What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?


1. 7
2. 43, red and blue
3. Fishin'
4. University of Tennessee
5. University of Georgia
6. Hard peanuts
7. 283
8. French
9. A red bug (small parasite)
10. A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11. Panama City, FL
12. Spanish moss
13. Evinrude
14. Mudfish
15. Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16. Hank Williams
17. Corn
18. Paul Bryant
19. Because of the pollen
20. "The Recipe"
21. Helen
22. WSM
23. Georgia
24. Calf roping
25. Mandolin
26. 5
27. The same thing
28. A wild grape
29. Yes
30. Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.
31. Green
32. Another trick animal husbandry question. Mules are generally sterile.
33. Tobacco
Great Ways to Annoy Yankees!
1. Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke
2. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell them Delta is ready when they are.
3. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
4. Take your own sweet time
5. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus!
6. Offer to send up a bottle of fresh air.
7. Talk loudly and often about SEC football and ACC basketball
8. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle name. ( For example: Lisa Marie - John Michael - Jim Bob )
9. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War" Always interject that "there weren't nothing Civil about it."
10. Address all males as "son" and women as "little lady."
11. Everyone you see eating Yankee Food like cream of wheat or clam chowder say "yoo weeee!! That ain't fit to eat!"
12. Tell em we use to have a lot of prostitutes in the south but the Yankees came down and married them all.